A Letter I'll Never Send.

          It has been a while since I have spoken to you; about a year, I guess. A while since I’ve tried to talk to you; must be 6 or 7 months. It just seems really strange, you know, that even after all this time I’m not talking to you. To YOU. Seemed pretty unimaginable before, but now that I’m here… Yeah. I’m here.

          I don’t even know what to say, and yet I have so much to say, it’s ridiculous. So yeah, here it goes. It’s been a year, and I still miss you. A lot. Now don’t get me wrong. I do not want you back in my life. Things can never go back to the way they were, and I don’t even want to try. I am in a good place right now, and you were in a good place right when you left. It never seemed to bother you; I took my time to reach that stage. Thankfully, I did.

          But...you know, if you’ve connected with someone on a level above frivolous acquaintance, they never really leave you. I mean, sure, you shove people away in a corner of your brain as you go about your routine, without really getting the time to even spare a second thought about anything out of the ordinary, but then a photo, and old message, a familiar fragrance hits you out of nowhere, and you’re backtracking to that corner of your brain and playing all those memories as a flashback.

          And, you know, it really isn’t a bad thing. Whenever I’ve missed someone, I’ve just picked my phone up and dropped a text, or called. But then there are times when I miss you, and I pick up the phone and I know that I cannot text you. I know I will be seen-zoned. I know there’s no point in doing that. And yet, sometimes, just sometimes, I end up saving your number (I’ve got it memorised, duh, my memory works in the strangest ways) and almost typing a message. I have my moments.

          It is weird not talking to you. It really is. You were my person, you know. I used to tell you everything, from my crushes to the consistency of my poop. You were my safe place - my clichéd bridge in the middle of the rain; my sounding board for every stupid/brilliant thought I had. I am sure I meant something to you back then. Maybe not as important as you were to me, but somewhere up there. We were a solid team; you were my best friend. And then, well, shit went down.

          We both made mistakes. Maybe I lived in the past, maybe you had an ego too massive to see you could be wrong. I thought we could work through things. There was a good chance of us working through everything and maybe salvaging whatever was left of us, but you gave up. Not sure what happened. Maybe you got tired of trying, maybe I got too much to handle. But you did. It was really difficult to get over you. I mean, honestly, best friend break ups are much harder than relationship break ups. You weren’t of that opinion, I know, but I was. Still am.

          I am sure that I don’t want to do anything with you anymore. I would be happy if we could be in the same room together and not ignore each other’s existence, but otherwise I am pretty sure that we are completely done for. But, you know, every person who’s made an impact in my life has had their own place. I can never replace anyone with anyone completely. There are still some traces of you left in my system, and our lives were so intertwined that it won’t go away that easily. I wish I could pick up the phone, call you and just tell you how amazing Brooklyn Nine-Nine is, coz I know you loved that show. I wish I could just make plans to meet you for lunch somewhere and discuss life plans and my fears of failing and what not.

I wish we could talk, but we can’t. I don’t even know you anymore. I know you from a year ago, not now. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up, even if it was only a little bit. Us falling apart has made it harder for me to trust people, but it has also prepared me for the worst. I am pretty sure I can survive almost anyone leaving now. It… well, is a good thing for me. People don’t surprise me much anymore. Sure, I get petty when it comes to you sometimes, but it has gradually reduced. I hope it becomes non-existent one day.

Now I don’t really know how I’d impacted you, but I really hope that you’re doing well. I hope you’re around good people. I guess I’ve found some myself, who aren’t tired of my shit just yet, and I am cherishing them for the time that they’re here. So yeah, dear ex best friend. I miss you, but I don’t think I want you around anymore. I sincerely hope that one day, I could accidentally look at an old picture of us and just smile and not feel a slight pinch in my mediastinum. Till then, God bless me. ☺