A Letter I'll Never Send.

          It has been a while since I have spoken to you; about a year, I guess. A while since I’ve tried to talk to you; must be 6 or 7 months. It just seems really strange, you know, that even after all this time I’m not talking to you. To YOU. Seemed pretty unimaginable before, but now that I’m here… Yeah. I’m here.

          I don’t even know what to say, and yet I have so much to say, it’s ridiculous. So yeah, here it goes. It’s been a year, and I still miss you. A lot. Now don’t get me wrong. I do not want you back in my life. Things can never go back to the way they were, and I don’t even want to try. I am in a good place right now, and you were in a good place right when you left. It never seemed to bother you; I took my time to reach that stage. Thankfully, I did.

          But...you know, if you’ve connected with someone on a level above frivolous acquaintance, they never really leave you. I mean, sure, you shove people away in a corner of your brain as you go about your routine, without really getting the time to even spare a second thought about anything out of the ordinary, but then a photo, and old message, a familiar fragrance hits you out of nowhere, and you’re backtracking to that corner of your brain and playing all those memories as a flashback.

          And, you know, it really isn’t a bad thing. Whenever I’ve missed someone, I’ve just picked my phone up and dropped a text, or called. But then there are times when I miss you, and I pick up the phone and I know that I cannot text you. I know I will be seen-zoned. I know there’s no point in doing that. And yet, sometimes, just sometimes, I end up saving your number (I’ve got it memorised, duh, my memory works in the strangest ways) and almost typing a message. I have my moments.

          It is weird not talking to you. It really is. You were my person, you know. I used to tell you everything, from my crushes to the consistency of my poop. You were my safe place - my clichéd bridge in the middle of the rain; my sounding board for every stupid/brilliant thought I had. I am sure I meant something to you back then. Maybe not as important as you were to me, but somewhere up there. We were a solid team; you were my best friend. And then, well, shit went down.

          We both made mistakes. Maybe I lived in the past, maybe you had an ego too massive to see you could be wrong. I thought we could work through things. There was a good chance of us working through everything and maybe salvaging whatever was left of us, but you gave up. Not sure what happened. Maybe you got tired of trying, maybe I got too much to handle. But you did. It was really difficult to get over you. I mean, honestly, best friend break ups are much harder than relationship break ups. You weren’t of that opinion, I know, but I was. Still am.

          I am sure that I don’t want to do anything with you anymore. I would be happy if we could be in the same room together and not ignore each other’s existence, but otherwise I am pretty sure that we are completely done for. But, you know, every person who’s made an impact in my life has had their own place. I can never replace anyone with anyone completely. There are still some traces of you left in my system, and our lives were so intertwined that it won’t go away that easily. I wish I could pick up the phone, call you and just tell you how amazing Brooklyn Nine-Nine is, coz I know you loved that show. I wish I could just make plans to meet you for lunch somewhere and discuss life plans and my fears of failing and what not.

I wish we could talk, but we can’t. I don’t even know you anymore. I know you from a year ago, not now. I’ve changed. I’ve grown up, even if it was only a little bit. Us falling apart has made it harder for me to trust people, but it has also prepared me for the worst. I am pretty sure I can survive almost anyone leaving now. It… well, is a good thing for me. People don’t surprise me much anymore. Sure, I get petty when it comes to you sometimes, but it has gradually reduced. I hope it becomes non-existent one day.

Now I don’t really know how I’d impacted you, but I really hope that you’re doing well. I hope you’re around good people. I guess I’ve found some myself, who aren’t tired of my shit just yet, and I am cherishing them for the time that they’re here. So yeah, dear ex best friend. I miss you, but I don’t think I want you around anymore. I sincerely hope that one day, I could accidentally look at an old picture of us and just smile and not feel a slight pinch in my mediastinum. Till then, God bless me. ☺

On 'Dealing With It'

            We all live in the constant hope of happiness. We don’t want the good things in our life to go away, and we want the negative, intrusive thoughts and actions to keep their distance and stay away. However, sometimes, things don’t go according to plan, and they don’t fall in place like we would want them to. Exams go bad, the new episode isn’t as good as you expected, people leave; basically, shit happens. There are certain situations which aren’t in your control, especially when it involves other human beings. I mean, sure, people promise a lot of things, but they don’t always keep those promises. People who you’d never expect to leave or act a certain way prove you wrong, and you’re left with the shreds of your hopes and, well, disappointment.

            When you’re accustomed to things happening in a certain way, and if they suddenly change, you’re bound to feel discontented. It happens, it is just human nature. Say, a teacher has suddenly started being very mean to you when you’re used to being treated decently. It’s a sudden change. Or say, someone very close to you suddenly takes a 180 degree turn, for no apparent reason, and now treats you like absolute crap. You’re bound to be confused, disgruntled, malcontent, and that is okay. It is normal to feel so. You’re going to look for things you can do right. You’ll try to talk it out to that friend, asking them how you can make things right, apologising even if you know there isn’t really anything evident you need to apologise for, because you’re just plain confused. You’ll suck up to the teacher; do everything in your capacity that you’re expected of to just get in her good books. You know you need those marks to pass in your finals.

            However, sometimes, things just don’t work out. You cannot control people or their actions; you can only control how you feel about them and what you do about them. So, teachers are gonna be mean, you just have to put your head down and do your work and hope for the best. They’re superior to you. You cannot do much about it any way. About friends… well, you can try to make things right till a certain amount of time, but after a while you just have to stop and look out for your own.

            I’ve seen some crappy situations myself. I’ve seen best friends become strangers who don’t even acknowledge each other on the streets. Yes, some times this change happens over time. Relationships fade, until only a remnant of what it was remains in your memory. You get acclimatized to those situations. Sometimes, people abruptly leave and you’re left angry and sad and confused as to what happened. You try to fix it, but you realise that you’re just hurting yourself in the process.

            Well, you cannot change people. You cannot control them; you cannot dictate what they think and how they behave. What you can change, though, are your reactions to these situations. Realising that there are some situations you can do nothing about is hard. You try hard, you keep trying to sort things out, you keep thinking about what went wrong, but you end up reaching the conclusion that it takes two people to repair and maintain a relationship, be it about love or family or friendship. I know what I am talking about because I am stuck in a similar situation currently. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it.

            So here is what I am gonna do, and here is what you should do if you’re stuck in a state where you just cannot seem to let go of someone or something… breathe.

            Just breathe, and think if you have better things to worry about. Your grades, your family, your health, your work pressures, the people who actually do care about you. Think about them, and think about how all of your thinking and self-negating will affect them in the long run. Consider the fact that whatever you’re going through currently might really not matter in the future, and you’re just wasting precious time currently which you could put in a better use, by, say, reading something new or meeting some old friends. If you need a little reinforcement, just ask yourself this: ‘Will this situation matter, five years down the line?’ if the answer is no, you really don’t want to sweat it out.

            Prioritize. You need to realise that you are meant to be your first priority. When you give someone else the power to intrude your thoughts and make your emotional system a big mess of unwanted neurotransmitters, you put yourself down. Just take some time and retrain your mind to think about you first. You are meant to look out for you. Fuck everything else. Take that walk, watch that movie, eat that goddamn cupcake. Give yourself some well-deserved love.

             Give it time. Things don’t necessarily get better, but you get used to it. However, if you keep picking at that wound before the scab even starts to fall, you’re gonna keep it fresher for a long time. Let it stay. Let it sink in. Let the fact that something is not in your hands and you can do nothing about it register in your cortex forever. That stuff is meant to hurt, it is meant to eat you from the inside, and it will. You will suffer, but you will not look for a scapegoat and you will come out stronger on the other side. Or, on the rare occasion that it happens, people will come back to you. I won’t count on that, but there have been instances where that has happened.

            You’re not timid or stupid to feel a certain way. You are okay. The way you deal with it is what makes all the difference in the world. People do care, but at the end of the day you’re the one who is going to heal yourself. You’re strong, and you’ll be okay. Trust yourself more than you trust anyone else and you’re good to go. :)

Nostalgia

        “Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.”

        Have you ever felt nostalgic about a certain time or phase of your life? I mean, sure, you think about the past sometimes, just as a fleeting thought which comes up in a random conversation, but have you ever felt a strong urge to go back a few years and re-live all the moments you did, and experience them, not merely recount them?

        Some things just make you wish to go back to a certain time. A whiff of a known perfume, a very familiar shirt someone used to wear, seeing something and suddenly remembering how much someone used to appreciate it and thinking of the endless conversations you had with them about it, a certain song, which takes you back to a time in life and places you in the exact same location where you heard it for the first time.

        They take you down a memory lane kept somewhere in the back of your mind and think of all the happy times you’ve had. Sometimes, they make you long for the sound of a laugh, the sweet scent of the breeze, even the wait for a bus on a stop with your friends. You think of how exactly the sun shone back then and fell on your feet as you sat outside your classroom, discussing how you’re going to finish those biology journals and begging an artistic friend to make some diagrams for you.

        They make you think of how horrible it felt when the first boy you liked broke your heart, and kept trampling on it because you thought you were in love and you let him. They make you remember how your stomach clenched when he passed by, first with elation, but later with fear, considering how bad things had gone between you. They make you think of how you used to try and avoid passing that boy after your classes so you won’t feel horrible and unlovable. How your spine froze and your stomach went in knots. How you felt a certain relief when you finally realised that you’re over him.

        There’s a special phase in everyone’s life when everything was close to perfect. There were people who made it perfect. When you think of the place, you think of the people. You think of the way they made you feel, you think of all the stupid nicknames you called them with and they called you with and a slight laugh escapes your mouth. Some things which you always recall when you think of them, some days you always feel should have been recorded on a video so you could look at them and laugh again till your eyes water.

You may not talk to these people all the time, you may be separated now, busy in life, but when you feel a longing of that place you all once belonged to, call them up or text them to let them know you miss them. You might just take a walk back in the memory lane together, and having company is always better. 

All good things come to an end.

Friends are an integral part of life. Aren’t they? They’re wonderful, supportive, sail with you through the hard times and are there to see you in your best moments. They’re the ones holding your hair back when you’re puking senseless in the bathroom after getting too drunk post a breakup. They’re the ones who get you morning coffee when you’re too sad to do it yourself. They’d put their life on the line for you, and you know you’d do the same when time comes. So how does it happen that sometimes, these friends, who were a part of our heart, turn into venom for it? Things change. People may remain the same, but the circumstances change. Someone you thought you could trust enough to walk blindly with on a traffic laden road becomes someone you won’t even walk with in an empty park. Let me explain, I think I am vague here. I knew someone. That person was, and is, wonderful. We were the closest of friends at a point in time. We went drinking, went for movies, for food... and we talked. I told him (for the sake of a pronoun, let’s address him as a male) about things that bothered me, and he usually had some rock solid advice. He was a pillar of support. He was very, very important. Then... something went wrong. I still am not sure what did, but something went very wrong between us. Maybe I started acting like a bitter asshole, maybe he started caring less. It was probably our fault. We never tried to understand what’s going on in the other person’s head. But there was one thing evident. We were falling apart. We had some massive fights over absolutely nothing. Every conversation, which used to be playful banter before, now turned into a heated argument. I started getting scared of talking to him, because he seemed to take offence to everything that came out of my mouth (or from my fingers, y’know. Since technology and WhatsApp came in the picture) Now, I wasn’t that bad a person. I realised that maybe it was my fault too, somewhere, and hence I apologised every time something went wrong. It didn’t matter if it was my fault or his, I apologised. For me, my ego wasn’t above someone who was so close to me. That’s when I realised... I am the one who apologised every time. He really didn’t seem to care. I slowly came to realise that his ego was more important for him than having me in his life. I was just another person, someone who didn’t really make a difference with her presence or the lack of it. I went through heartaches here, thinking about how I must have hurt him with something I said, but there he was, not even giving me a second thought. (Mind you, all of this was platonic. No romantic feelings attached.) I came to the conclusion that he wasn’t good for me. He was poison to my heart and it made me sad, talking to him. I loved the guy, and I desperately wished for things to get better between us. I tried to make things better. Maybe I spoiled them further, maybe he didn’t care. He never came back. I was the one always going to him. I am not sure if it is just my story or if anyone else has been through something like this, but it happened. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted everything to be the way it was, but things had gone so bad that there was no going back to how we were before everything started falling apart. I don’t know what came over me, but after a particular incident I realised that I had to break ties with him. It wasn’t a realisation I reached overnight; it was something which had to happen eventually. It was a long, painful process, knowing that he wasn’t meant to be in my life anymore, and boy did I suffer. But I realised something. I was more in love with the good times we had spent together than with him. With the facet of his personality that he was portraying to me right now. He was a rock in my life, but now I realised that he was an avalanche and I was slowly breaking from the inside. I guess you realise that you need to let go when you have to make an active effort to stay in someone’s life, without any real response from the other side. Breaking ties isn’t always a bad thing. You aren’t entitled to be good to someone who isn’t good to you. You are not entitled to make an effort to keep someone when you see no active effort from the other side. You don’t have to be in pain just because someone you love doesn’t love you anymore. You need to keep yourself first, and you need to make sure that you do it well. You are allowed to leave people who cause you pain. Now, I’m not sure why I am sharing this, but I had this on my mind since quite a few months and I needed to let it out. If anyone has been through a similar experience or is going through one, trust me. Things get better. Don’t lose your sanity over someone who won’t even give you a second thought. Stay strong, you’re a good egg. You’ll turn out fine.

That 'uncommon' girl.

Girls are weird.

          No, honestly. Girls are some of the weirdest specimens of beings I have ever seen. They rarely say what they mean, they rarely mean what they say, they almost always have something to say in subtext and won’t be outright honest with you. It is very hard to gauge if one is being completely honest with you or is pretending to be. They over-think, they dramatize situations more than they should and don’t think through while making decisions. They obsess over the little things a lot. Things which don’t even matter as much.

          Girls are absurd, dramatic and stupid most of the time.

          Well most of them.

          Sometimes, accidentally, you come across an ‘error in manufacturing’. Someone who doesn't like drama, cannot tolerate it, in fact. Someone who cannot sugar coat things. Someone who is so outright honest with you, sometimes you’re shocked about it. She doesn't pretend to be something she isn't and is blatantly honest. Someone who tells things as it is. That error will support you through whatever decision you take in life. ‘I won’t tell you what to do. It’s your life, do what you think is best.’ Will always be her stand. She would still listen to you crib about the most nonsensical things on the planet, like how someone you were friends with is being a complete ass or how you got emotional watching the end of ‘Friends’ yet again. No cribbing. She would just listen and sympathize with an array of emoticons.

          That error.. What do I say about her? She’s strange. She does not like it when she’s called a girl. ‘But I’m a bro!’ she says, in a completely feminine manner. She wears those tees which you get off from the men’s section until and unless she’s forced to wear conventional feminine clothes. She is your drinking buddy, but can’t handle anything more than two pints, because she’s tiny. When you remind her that she’s conventionally hot, she will make it a point to remind you that she is a ‘guy’ and that she doesn't give two hoots about being hot; and you know that she isn't begging for compliments, it’s just the way she is.

          She’s got a clean heart. She doesn't hold grudges. I’d say she’s incapable of holding them. She forgives too easily for her own good. She’s too accepting of people and too helping and that might be considered stupid by some but she just can’t help it. Even if people hurt her, she forgives them. She will stick to you even if you act like an ass, and you end up staying by her side because when it comes to her, she accepts that she’s an asshole and that people are assholes and all you have to do is deal with them.

          She won’t usually say ‘I love you’ to just about anyone. She will show you that she does, and she will listen to you and be with you through all of your good times and bad. This ‘error of manufacturing’ usually is the best thing that can happen to you, and I am happy to say that I have found my very own, and I plan to keep her for the long run. If you happen to find someone like this, don’t ever let them go, because such errors don’t really happen frequently. And these are the best types of errors that could really happen.

A Little Rant.

Here's the thing about being friendzoned a bit too many times; you start losing faith in yourself. Even when you say that the guy was a douchebag (maybe he was), you start doubting yourself after a point. You start thinking that maybe you aren't good enough, maybe there's something wrong with you. It is worse with people with low self-esteem, they go down in an endless spiral of self loathing. It isn't that they hate themselves most of the time, they just have this strong belief that they aren't good enough and will never will be. They stop caring about how they look, because who cares, right? There might be people who do care, but it doesnt seem real. Compliments seem empty, just stated to be nice. The fact that they aren't happy with themselves just adds on to their 'I don't care' facade when really, they do care, they just feel that they might not be good enough even when they try.

When someone close points their insecurities out, they don't get mad at that person. They'd know that person means well. They just get mad at themselves and keep thinking about it for a very long time.

You see, it isn't about the other person. It's their inner demons fighting with each other. No matter how much you love them, they won't see it, because they need to love themselves first. Don't get annoyed at such people; it isn't that they don't try. It is just that they're stuck in a hole of self depreciation and they do know how to climb out; they just don't know that they do. 

You Break Your Own Heart.

You break your own heart.

What, sounds absurd? I know, I know it does. But imagine this scenario.

            You had a little crush on someone. Well, we all do, right? Crushes are a ‘way of life’, everyone has some. I have a crush on Christian Bale, and if I ever have the fortune of meeting him I will cling on so hard that he’d have to put a restraining order against me.

            ANYWAY (I’m getting a bit ADHD), so you have a harmless little crush on someone. It’s okay, everyone does. Something about the way they talk, or walk, or look, or dress. You have the chance to talk to them.  Have an actual conversation and you know, get to know them a little more. And you realise; they’re quite amazing! I mean they like Harry Potter, they can hold a conversation up, they like the same music as you do and they make you laugh so, so much!

            You talk a lot. You just, you know, become friends. Facebook chat turns to WhatsApp messaging. Conversations once or twice a month turn into conversations every 2-3 days, and you end up becoming really good friends.

            *BLEEP*

            Suddenly you realise you can’t spend the day without talking to them. You end up having a short conversation every day at least, or else you feel restless. You stalk their Facebook profile way too much, and if you see a girl posting on their timeline or anything, you get a little pissed at her, without any fault of hers.

            Oopsie-daisy, you’ve started liking them.

            Now, it’s harmless. Initially. When you know, you are still in the denial phase.

            “Nah, we’re just good friends dude!”

            “What!? What do you mean by what I think of his picture!? Why should I think of his photo? Uh, we are just friends!”

            Then it slowly turns to:

            “Yeah, we are friends, but I can’t stop going through his profile dude…”

            “He looks so damn good in this photo! *sigh*”

            (These conversations may or may not have taken place, please note.)

            So, *BOOM*! You realise you’ve fallen for them. Oh, no big deal, it’s okay. You’ll get over it. Right?

            No. You don’t. The thing with liking someone is, the more you talk to them, the more you start liking them. The less you talk to them, the more you miss them. It’s basically a lose-lose situation for you. So you try to do nothing about it.

            Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Daydreaming. Fabrication of scenarios that have about 2% chance of happening. Thinking about that other person for almost the entire day, getting lost in their thoughts. You have no clue if they like you or not, but you like them so much, you develop a storyline in your mind about how it would be once you start dating them. (Embarrassing, I know, but don’t deny you haven’t thought of this.) How talking to them makes your day, how you dress up a little extra special if you are going to meet them even if it is a group meeting, giving them all this extra attention, and not knowing all this time if they have the same feelings for you or not. Mentally, however, you two are deciding the colour of your wedding sari.

It’s okay, right? All of this is happening in your head, you aren’t harming anyone. Well at times it is not. We try not to expect anything from them, yet we end up doing that. Why they didn’t message you first, why they didn’t reply, you know? Things like that. Most of the times you keep it bottled up inside you and when you accidentally voice your thoughts you end up feeling like a despicable loser. Not that you actually are. (I will vouch for you because I have done this.)

Your fabrication of your perfect love story, the dream sequence you’ve made up from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (or maybe Friends With Benefits, something like that) is only YOUR fabrication. Their part in this story is totally fictional and they probably don’t even know that this is going through in your mind.

Some of you wise ones just shut your trap and contain your feelings unless you aren’t sure of theirs. Some dumb ones (like me, I don’t mean to be mean) who can’t keep their face or their moods neutral, end up telling them without opening their mouth.

If they like you back, well and good, things are sorted. If they don’t, your troubles start.

Once a person knows that someone likes them, their behaviour can go off in three directions. Either they develop a soft spot for you, and something might happen in the future, but that’s really rare. Them maintaining their friendship and acting normally like nothing happened, that’s rare as well. Most of the times, whatever bond you had, whatever friendship you had, it just.. spirals down, you know what I mean? Things start getting awkward, conversations shorter, every little things gets over analysed. Sometimes the person doesn’t even realise they’re doing this, it just happens. And you’re, well, clueless because you don’t understand what you should do.

You try harder, you try desperately, but things don’t change. The more you chase them, the farther they go. And ultimately, your heart gets broken. They might come back to you after some days, week or maybe never, but when your heart does break, they aren’t there. It’s just you handling yourself (with the help of some awesome people you call your best friends).

In this situation, the person you liked didn’t break your heart. They had no clue about your feelings, and them trying to pull away isn’t unnatural, they just didn’t want you to get hurt in the long run. You, yes, you, you break your own heart. You don’t mean to but you do.

The solution to this disaster? Sadly, there is none. You can try not getting attached, but we know very well that it is a task difficult to achieve. Keep a healthy distance and whenever you feel a daydream creeping upon you, write it down. Yes, write it, have a good laugh, and just forget about it. Sometimes forgetting is the best thing you could do for yourself.