Friends are an integral part of life. Aren’t they?
They’re wonderful, supportive, sail with you through the hard times and are there to see you in your best moments.
They’re the ones holding your hair back when you’re puking senseless in the bathroom after getting too drunk post a breakup. They’re the ones who get you morning coffee when you’re too sad to do it yourself. They’d put their life on the line for you, and you know you’d do the same when time comes.
So how does it happen that sometimes, these friends, who were a part of our heart, turn into venom for it?
Things change. People may remain the same, but the circumstances change. Someone you thought you could trust enough to walk blindly with on a traffic laden road becomes someone you won’t even walk with in an empty park.
Let me explain, I think I am vague here.
I knew someone. That person was, and is, wonderful. We were the closest of friends at a point in time. We went drinking, went for movies, for food... and we talked. I told him (for the sake of a pronoun, let’s address him as a male) about things that bothered me, and he usually had some rock solid advice. He was a pillar of support. He was very, very important.
Then... something went wrong. I still am not sure what did, but something went very wrong between us.
Maybe I started acting like a bitter asshole, maybe he started caring less. It was probably our fault. We never tried to understand what’s going on in the other person’s head. But there was one thing evident. We were falling apart.
We had some massive fights over absolutely nothing. Every conversation, which used to be playful banter before, now turned into a heated argument. I started getting scared of talking to him, because he seemed to take offence to everything that came out of my mouth (or from my fingers, y’know. Since technology and WhatsApp came in the picture)
Now, I wasn’t that bad a person. I realised that maybe it was my fault too, somewhere, and hence I apologised every time something went wrong. It didn’t matter if it was my fault or his, I apologised. For me, my ego wasn’t above someone who was so close to me.
That’s when I realised... I am the one who apologised every time. He really didn’t seem to care.
I slowly came to realise that his ego was more important for him than having me in his life. I was just another person, someone who didn’t really make a difference with her presence or the lack of it. I went through heartaches here, thinking about how I must have hurt him with something I said, but there he was, not even giving me a second thought. (Mind you, all of this was platonic. No romantic feelings attached.)
I came to the conclusion that he wasn’t good for me. He was poison to my heart and it made me sad, talking to him. I loved the guy, and I desperately wished for things to get better between us. I tried to make things better. Maybe I spoiled them further, maybe he didn’t care. He never came back. I was the one always going to him.
I am not sure if it is just my story or if anyone else has been through something like this, but it happened. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted everything to be the way it was, but things had gone so bad that there was no going back to how we were before everything started falling apart.
I don’t know what came over me, but after a particular incident I realised that I had to break ties with him. It wasn’t a realisation I reached overnight; it was something which had to happen eventually. It was a long, painful process, knowing that he wasn’t meant to be in my life anymore, and boy did I suffer.
But I realised something. I was more in love with the good times we had spent together than with him. With the facet of his personality that he was portraying to me right now. He was a rock in my life, but now I realised that he was an avalanche and I was slowly breaking from the inside. I guess you realise that you need to let go when you have to make an active effort to stay in someone’s life, without any real response from the other side.
Breaking ties isn’t always a bad thing. You aren’t entitled to be good to someone who isn’t good to you. You are not entitled to make an effort to keep someone when you see no active effort from the other side. You don’t have to be in pain just because someone you love doesn’t love you anymore. You need to keep yourself first, and you need to make sure that you do it well. You are allowed to leave people who cause you pain.
Now, I’m not sure why I am sharing this, but I had this on my mind since quite a few months and I needed to let it out. If anyone has been through a similar experience or is going through one, trust me. Things get better. Don’t lose your sanity over someone who won’t even give you a second thought.
Stay strong, you’re a good egg. You’ll turn out fine.
