Nostalgia

        “Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.”

        Have you ever felt nostalgic about a certain time or phase of your life? I mean, sure, you think about the past sometimes, just as a fleeting thought which comes up in a random conversation, but have you ever felt a strong urge to go back a few years and re-live all the moments you did, and experience them, not merely recount them?

        Some things just make you wish to go back to a certain time. A whiff of a known perfume, a very familiar shirt someone used to wear, seeing something and suddenly remembering how much someone used to appreciate it and thinking of the endless conversations you had with them about it, a certain song, which takes you back to a time in life and places you in the exact same location where you heard it for the first time.

        They take you down a memory lane kept somewhere in the back of your mind and think of all the happy times you’ve had. Sometimes, they make you long for the sound of a laugh, the sweet scent of the breeze, even the wait for a bus on a stop with your friends. You think of how exactly the sun shone back then and fell on your feet as you sat outside your classroom, discussing how you’re going to finish those biology journals and begging an artistic friend to make some diagrams for you.

        They make you think of how horrible it felt when the first boy you liked broke your heart, and kept trampling on it because you thought you were in love and you let him. They make you remember how your stomach clenched when he passed by, first with elation, but later with fear, considering how bad things had gone between you. They make you think of how you used to try and avoid passing that boy after your classes so you won’t feel horrible and unlovable. How your spine froze and your stomach went in knots. How you felt a certain relief when you finally realised that you’re over him.

        There’s a special phase in everyone’s life when everything was close to perfect. There were people who made it perfect. When you think of the place, you think of the people. You think of the way they made you feel, you think of all the stupid nicknames you called them with and they called you with and a slight laugh escapes your mouth. Some things which you always recall when you think of them, some days you always feel should have been recorded on a video so you could look at them and laugh again till your eyes water.

You may not talk to these people all the time, you may be separated now, busy in life, but when you feel a longing of that place you all once belonged to, call them up or text them to let them know you miss them. You might just take a walk back in the memory lane together, and having company is always better. 

All good things come to an end.

Friends are an integral part of life. Aren’t they? They’re wonderful, supportive, sail with you through the hard times and are there to see you in your best moments. They’re the ones holding your hair back when you’re puking senseless in the bathroom after getting too drunk post a breakup. They’re the ones who get you morning coffee when you’re too sad to do it yourself. They’d put their life on the line for you, and you know you’d do the same when time comes. So how does it happen that sometimes, these friends, who were a part of our heart, turn into venom for it? Things change. People may remain the same, but the circumstances change. Someone you thought you could trust enough to walk blindly with on a traffic laden road becomes someone you won’t even walk with in an empty park. Let me explain, I think I am vague here. I knew someone. That person was, and is, wonderful. We were the closest of friends at a point in time. We went drinking, went for movies, for food... and we talked. I told him (for the sake of a pronoun, let’s address him as a male) about things that bothered me, and he usually had some rock solid advice. He was a pillar of support. He was very, very important. Then... something went wrong. I still am not sure what did, but something went very wrong between us. Maybe I started acting like a bitter asshole, maybe he started caring less. It was probably our fault. We never tried to understand what’s going on in the other person’s head. But there was one thing evident. We were falling apart. We had some massive fights over absolutely nothing. Every conversation, which used to be playful banter before, now turned into a heated argument. I started getting scared of talking to him, because he seemed to take offence to everything that came out of my mouth (or from my fingers, y’know. Since technology and WhatsApp came in the picture) Now, I wasn’t that bad a person. I realised that maybe it was my fault too, somewhere, and hence I apologised every time something went wrong. It didn’t matter if it was my fault or his, I apologised. For me, my ego wasn’t above someone who was so close to me. That’s when I realised... I am the one who apologised every time. He really didn’t seem to care. I slowly came to realise that his ego was more important for him than having me in his life. I was just another person, someone who didn’t really make a difference with her presence or the lack of it. I went through heartaches here, thinking about how I must have hurt him with something I said, but there he was, not even giving me a second thought. (Mind you, all of this was platonic. No romantic feelings attached.) I came to the conclusion that he wasn’t good for me. He was poison to my heart and it made me sad, talking to him. I loved the guy, and I desperately wished for things to get better between us. I tried to make things better. Maybe I spoiled them further, maybe he didn’t care. He never came back. I was the one always going to him. I am not sure if it is just my story or if anyone else has been through something like this, but it happened. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted everything to be the way it was, but things had gone so bad that there was no going back to how we were before everything started falling apart. I don’t know what came over me, but after a particular incident I realised that I had to break ties with him. It wasn’t a realisation I reached overnight; it was something which had to happen eventually. It was a long, painful process, knowing that he wasn’t meant to be in my life anymore, and boy did I suffer. But I realised something. I was more in love with the good times we had spent together than with him. With the facet of his personality that he was portraying to me right now. He was a rock in my life, but now I realised that he was an avalanche and I was slowly breaking from the inside. I guess you realise that you need to let go when you have to make an active effort to stay in someone’s life, without any real response from the other side. Breaking ties isn’t always a bad thing. You aren’t entitled to be good to someone who isn’t good to you. You are not entitled to make an effort to keep someone when you see no active effort from the other side. You don’t have to be in pain just because someone you love doesn’t love you anymore. You need to keep yourself first, and you need to make sure that you do it well. You are allowed to leave people who cause you pain. Now, I’m not sure why I am sharing this, but I had this on my mind since quite a few months and I needed to let it out. If anyone has been through a similar experience or is going through one, trust me. Things get better. Don’t lose your sanity over someone who won’t even give you a second thought. Stay strong, you’re a good egg. You’ll turn out fine.

That 'uncommon' girl.

Girls are weird.

          No, honestly. Girls are some of the weirdest specimens of beings I have ever seen. They rarely say what they mean, they rarely mean what they say, they almost always have something to say in subtext and won’t be outright honest with you. It is very hard to gauge if one is being completely honest with you or is pretending to be. They over-think, they dramatize situations more than they should and don’t think through while making decisions. They obsess over the little things a lot. Things which don’t even matter as much.

          Girls are absurd, dramatic and stupid most of the time.

          Well most of them.

          Sometimes, accidentally, you come across an ‘error in manufacturing’. Someone who doesn't like drama, cannot tolerate it, in fact. Someone who cannot sugar coat things. Someone who is so outright honest with you, sometimes you’re shocked about it. She doesn't pretend to be something she isn't and is blatantly honest. Someone who tells things as it is. That error will support you through whatever decision you take in life. ‘I won’t tell you what to do. It’s your life, do what you think is best.’ Will always be her stand. She would still listen to you crib about the most nonsensical things on the planet, like how someone you were friends with is being a complete ass or how you got emotional watching the end of ‘Friends’ yet again. No cribbing. She would just listen and sympathize with an array of emoticons.

          That error.. What do I say about her? She’s strange. She does not like it when she’s called a girl. ‘But I’m a bro!’ she says, in a completely feminine manner. She wears those tees which you get off from the men’s section until and unless she’s forced to wear conventional feminine clothes. She is your drinking buddy, but can’t handle anything more than two pints, because she’s tiny. When you remind her that she’s conventionally hot, she will make it a point to remind you that she is a ‘guy’ and that she doesn't give two hoots about being hot; and you know that she isn't begging for compliments, it’s just the way she is.

          She’s got a clean heart. She doesn't hold grudges. I’d say she’s incapable of holding them. She forgives too easily for her own good. She’s too accepting of people and too helping and that might be considered stupid by some but she just can’t help it. Even if people hurt her, she forgives them. She will stick to you even if you act like an ass, and you end up staying by her side because when it comes to her, she accepts that she’s an asshole and that people are assholes and all you have to do is deal with them.

          She won’t usually say ‘I love you’ to just about anyone. She will show you that she does, and she will listen to you and be with you through all of your good times and bad. This ‘error of manufacturing’ usually is the best thing that can happen to you, and I am happy to say that I have found my very own, and I plan to keep her for the long run. If you happen to find someone like this, don’t ever let them go, because such errors don’t really happen frequently. And these are the best types of errors that could really happen.