You Break Your Own Heart.

You break your own heart.

What, sounds absurd? I know, I know it does. But imagine this scenario.

            You had a little crush on someone. Well, we all do, right? Crushes are a ‘way of life’, everyone has some. I have a crush on Christian Bale, and if I ever have the fortune of meeting him I will cling on so hard that he’d have to put a restraining order against me.

            ANYWAY (I’m getting a bit ADHD), so you have a harmless little crush on someone. It’s okay, everyone does. Something about the way they talk, or walk, or look, or dress. You have the chance to talk to them.  Have an actual conversation and you know, get to know them a little more. And you realise; they’re quite amazing! I mean they like Harry Potter, they can hold a conversation up, they like the same music as you do and they make you laugh so, so much!

            You talk a lot. You just, you know, become friends. Facebook chat turns to WhatsApp messaging. Conversations once or twice a month turn into conversations every 2-3 days, and you end up becoming really good friends.

            *BLEEP*

            Suddenly you realise you can’t spend the day without talking to them. You end up having a short conversation every day at least, or else you feel restless. You stalk their Facebook profile way too much, and if you see a girl posting on their timeline or anything, you get a little pissed at her, without any fault of hers.

            Oopsie-daisy, you’ve started liking them.

            Now, it’s harmless. Initially. When you know, you are still in the denial phase.

            “Nah, we’re just good friends dude!”

            “What!? What do you mean by what I think of his picture!? Why should I think of his photo? Uh, we are just friends!”

            Then it slowly turns to:

            “Yeah, we are friends, but I can’t stop going through his profile dude…”

            “He looks so damn good in this photo! *sigh*”

            (These conversations may or may not have taken place, please note.)

            So, *BOOM*! You realise you’ve fallen for them. Oh, no big deal, it’s okay. You’ll get over it. Right?

            No. You don’t. The thing with liking someone is, the more you talk to them, the more you start liking them. The less you talk to them, the more you miss them. It’s basically a lose-lose situation for you. So you try to do nothing about it.

            Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Daydreaming. Fabrication of scenarios that have about 2% chance of happening. Thinking about that other person for almost the entire day, getting lost in their thoughts. You have no clue if they like you or not, but you like them so much, you develop a storyline in your mind about how it would be once you start dating them. (Embarrassing, I know, but don’t deny you haven’t thought of this.) How talking to them makes your day, how you dress up a little extra special if you are going to meet them even if it is a group meeting, giving them all this extra attention, and not knowing all this time if they have the same feelings for you or not. Mentally, however, you two are deciding the colour of your wedding sari.

It’s okay, right? All of this is happening in your head, you aren’t harming anyone. Well at times it is not. We try not to expect anything from them, yet we end up doing that. Why they didn’t message you first, why they didn’t reply, you know? Things like that. Most of the times you keep it bottled up inside you and when you accidentally voice your thoughts you end up feeling like a despicable loser. Not that you actually are. (I will vouch for you because I have done this.)

Your fabrication of your perfect love story, the dream sequence you’ve made up from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (or maybe Friends With Benefits, something like that) is only YOUR fabrication. Their part in this story is totally fictional and they probably don’t even know that this is going through in your mind.

Some of you wise ones just shut your trap and contain your feelings unless you aren’t sure of theirs. Some dumb ones (like me, I don’t mean to be mean) who can’t keep their face or their moods neutral, end up telling them without opening their mouth.

If they like you back, well and good, things are sorted. If they don’t, your troubles start.

Once a person knows that someone likes them, their behaviour can go off in three directions. Either they develop a soft spot for you, and something might happen in the future, but that’s really rare. Them maintaining their friendship and acting normally like nothing happened, that’s rare as well. Most of the times, whatever bond you had, whatever friendship you had, it just.. spirals down, you know what I mean? Things start getting awkward, conversations shorter, every little things gets over analysed. Sometimes the person doesn’t even realise they’re doing this, it just happens. And you’re, well, clueless because you don’t understand what you should do.

You try harder, you try desperately, but things don’t change. The more you chase them, the farther they go. And ultimately, your heart gets broken. They might come back to you after some days, week or maybe never, but when your heart does break, they aren’t there. It’s just you handling yourself (with the help of some awesome people you call your best friends).

In this situation, the person you liked didn’t break your heart. They had no clue about your feelings, and them trying to pull away isn’t unnatural, they just didn’t want you to get hurt in the long run. You, yes, you, you break your own heart. You don’t mean to but you do.

The solution to this disaster? Sadly, there is none. You can try not getting attached, but we know very well that it is a task difficult to achieve. Keep a healthy distance and whenever you feel a daydream creeping upon you, write it down. Yes, write it, have a good laugh, and just forget about it. Sometimes forgetting is the best thing you could do for yourself.

What if..?

It was a gloomy day. Monsoon had arrived and was showering its blessings in full swing, quite literally. Clouds loomed in the sky, threatening to shower anytime soon.
Marine drive was the best place to be in such weather in Mumbai. It was the hub of couples, friends and photographers. The view of the sea and the Mumbai skyline was breathtaking.
However, today, the skyline failed to take my breath, as I strolled around the stretch of the sea. Everything seemed to dim down as I waited for him to arrive. He was my best friend till some week ago, but now he was just so much more.
My current favourite song, Demons by Imagine Dragons, played in my earphones as I walked the stretch of the footpath. I was humming along when suddenly the earphones were pulled out of my ears and a panting voice rasped “I’ve had to run for 200 metres because of you!” I looked at him and said “You know, you could have called me. Cellphones exist.” Of course he had forgotten about that and he grinned stupidly. I loved that grin, I loved that guy!
I just looked at him as he stole my water bottle from my bag. To think about how we started out and where we were now was funny, to say the least. He was my arch enemy in the beginning of junior college, but somehow he turned into my best friend. I was lost in memories when suddenly my phone rang.
“Sup bitch!” I spoke into it. My other best friend was on the line. She asked me “Did you tell him yet?” When I replied with a negative answer she breathed a sigh of relief. She told me to rethink my decision. I risked losing a friend. But me, being the stubborn bitch that I was, decided that I did not want a life based on regrets and ‘what if’s. I had decided to do it.
When I came back to sit beside him, he was almost jumping with excitement. I asked “Are you okay!?” and he said “Better! I need to talk to you!” I said “All ears, bitch. Talk to me.”
The conversation went like this:
“You know the girl I kinda liked, then hated, then liked?”
“Well of course. I have heard endless talks of her!”
“I asked her out!”
My heart stopped beating for a second…
“And?”
“Of course, she said yes! I knew she kinda liked me, I just wasn’t sure of that!”
His phone suddenly started ringing. I could see who it was from the expression on his face. I mustered a smile up and looked at my phone as he got up and started talking to her.
I was glad he couldn’t see my face, because at that moment I felt like a hundred knives were piercing my gut. You know that feeling when your heart seems to freeze and just pop down in your stomach? Like it just got… Displaced, and had no capability to feel anything (thought he heart doesn’t feel anything, it is the limbic system of the brain). That was exactly how I felt at the moment. My throat went dry, and all I could do to stop the tears from falling was drink water.
Suddenly, the rain came to my rescue. I stuffed my phone in a plastic bag and just let the tears slide along with the raindrops along my face, and hoped that he won’t notice. He didn’t; he was still on the phone.
That day, the skyline never grabbed my attention and the sea did not look beautiful. It seemed like a part of me had been washed off with the rains.

Just A Story

      Something I came up with a few weeks ago.  All characters are purely fictional, with no resemblance to any person, living or dead. So no conclusions please. And this is pure fiction. :)

      She sat at her usual place in Shivaji Park, near the idol of Minatai, listening to some random music on her phone. It was a sweaty, sunny day, especially in Mumbai at 4 pm during the summer. Summer days in Mumbai usually were ugly but they peaked their sweaty, heated up side especially in May.
He was late (as usual). You’d think someone would get used to their best friend getting late every time they meet, but there are some things which just get you annoyed no matter what!
So there she waited, for half an hour, waiting for her best friend to ‘grace’ her with his appearance.  She even thought about the reasons he’d give her once he came. “Mom had some work!” “This stupid scooter of mine, had to kick start it so many times! Stupid engine!” (though the engine works perfectly fine) “There was a huge queue at the petrol pump!” and so on. The reasons repeated themselves periodically but she’d gotten used to it now.
She smiled as he finally sauntered towards her. He seemed different today, and yet he looked the same. She smiled goofily but quickly covered for it by mock-punching him. “What’s the reason this time?” she questioned. He put his hand on the back of his neck and said “you know all of them already. What’s the point?” and she started laughing and punched him a bit more.
The thing was… She had fallen for him. You know, the typical ‘fell for her best friend’ cheesy crap? Nobody believes in it until it happens to them. It happened to her when he fell off a bike in a freak road accident and she realized he was in a hospital, battling for life. But her policy of keeping the hormones out of a perfectly good friendship didn’t let her do anything about it. Who knew about what he felt? Why to risk everything for something as stupid as a crush? She would get over it.
They started walking around the ground, as usual, and they started talking. After junior college, both of them chose different streams and met every week or two to talk about their lives and stuff in general. It was like their private time. They just roamed around the ground, dodging joggers and dirty footballers and people they knew. After a pani puri or two, they went home.
Today, however, he suddenly said “Let’s go to Narali Baag. We haven’t been there in ages!”
She was surprised, for sure. Narali baag was a garden on the other side of the road, adjoining the beach. It was for kids, cheesy couples who liked to make out in public and huge groups of friends. They never really went there for their weekly ‘gossip sessions’, so it was a little weird. You know, in a good way, but still.
They went there, sat down and started talking. She told him about her life in a medical college and he spoke about his in an engineering college. They didn’t really understand each other’s fields, of course, but they spoke about stuff in general, people in general.
Time passed by way too quickly, and before they realized it, the sun had started to set. From the Naarli baag, the Bandra Worli sea link was directly visible and the view during the sunset was gorgeous. She got enraptured by it suddenly when he told her to get up and took her near the wall which separated the beach from the garden. Being elevated, the beach and the sky were perfectly visible from there.
The view was amazing. No matter how many times you look at the sunset, it always manages to amaze you.
Suddenly, he whispered “Maya?”. She looked away from the sunset and looked at his face. The orange light was shining off from the edge of his spectacles and yet it got caught in his soft brown eyes. He had the most amazing brown eyes she had ever seen. Like melted chocolate swirling in a fondue plate, you know? Smoldering.
She caught herself just in time and asked “What’s up?”
He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes. Her feet suddenly turned to jelly. Nervously tucking a strand of hair (which was not even flying) behind her ear, she asked “what?” and tried to hide the mess that her brain was in behind a shaky laugh.
He said, “Maya, I think I’m in love with you.”
She just looked at him with a dazed expression and managed to get a “huh?” out.
He began, “I realized I had fallen for you when you came to the hospital after, you know, I almost died.” She shuddered a bit as he continued, “I remember seeing your face. You looked like a ghost, pale and lifeless. Your eyes had dark circles like you hadn’t slept in days. You were almost shivering in the minimal air conditioning. I just wanted to hug you right there and then, but couldn’t, because, well, I was kinda bandaged all over, my leg was in a cast and my parents were there.” He sighed, and looked at her. “I was always afraid to tell you about this because our friendship was too precious to me, but I realized even if you don’t reciprocate to my feelings our friendship is strong enough to survive-”
She shushed him to silence. Looking at him right then, she realized how his perfect brown eyes were a shade darker as he awaited her response, nervously flickering. How his legs were twitching like they were under tetany at the moment. How his thumbs were twiddling like they were in a thumb war. She took his hand in hers, entwined her fingers in his and said, “Dude, that was QUITE a confession. My training paid off! And look at our hands. They fit in so perfectly together, don’t they?” She looked at him and smiled. He looked visibly relieved as he looked at her and grinned, his perfectly white teeth showing off.
Suddenly, the day was less hot and sweaty. Cheesy couples didn’t seem that bad now. Kids were a lot less annoying. All of this because Maya had finally found her Siddhant. Her best friend, who she’d fallen in love with, loved her too. And there was no looking back after that.

DOs & DON'Ts (when you're trying to get over someone)

     So we all have had liked someone at a point in our life. It might be a crush which lasted for 5-10 days or a long, painful one which just doesn't seem to go away. Probably after a break-up as well. Oh, you get the flow now, don't you? So here are some things I have figured out on the way.

• Do not give nicknames based on animals, cartoon characters, movie villains etc. Something that you might encounter on television, in print media or in real life on a regular basis. That would remind you of the person. Don't give any nickname at all.
• Do not stalk their Facebook profile. It serves many purposes:

       -Seeing pictures will make you go all emotional and stuff. BAD idea.

       -Seeing statuses will make you want to be there with them. For example, if you see that they have won something or, umm, maybe gotten a new cell phone, you'd wanna be with them or whatever. Bad idea, yet again.

       -Seeing other things, like 'recently added' people and all will make you feel jealous and all... So DON'T. BIG no.

• Do not see them on the road and run away, or try to avoid the places they frequent. Man up and go there, and avoid them on the face. Don't chicken out and run. If you're friends, say a hi. But DO NOT RUN. They might call you a freak behind your back and with their friends, or you might just end up feeling like crap later on.
• If you get a text from that person, do not get overjoyed. For all you know, it might be a forward, or something you don't really want to read. The same goes for WhatsApp as well. Don't be desperate to reply. If it is a forward, don't reply at all.
• When you're feeling low, or constantly thinking about that person, distract yourself. You can do that by calling someone who cheers you up, or cleaning some mess... Just something. Personally, I go on a rampant cleaning spree or watch television. Quite recently, I've realized dissection helps as well, but not all of you can do it.
• It is okay to miss that person sometimes, and be a little sad over it. But only sometimes and for a little while. Doing it too frequently and too long is just not done. You have to stay on the path of moving on, not regress.
• Do not go for a rebound. Nuh-uh. That is the worst thing you can do. It does not help at all, plus you end up hurting someone else's feelings when you realize after everything that your feelings for them aren't going away. BAD idea.
• This one is pretty obvious, but needs to be pointed out... STOP thinking they'll come back to you and make imaginary scenarios in your head about how you'd want your story to end. They're not coming back... The sooner you accept this, the easier it will be for you to get along with your life. Acceptance is the first step towards recovery. It applies to alcoholics and spurned lvoers alike. 

     This is all I could come up with. Seems basic, but not many people follow through. Do try to. It might just help you.
     And remember. If you have liked someone once upon a time and if things haven't worked out between you two, NOTHING is wrong with you. You are awesome. You just need someone special to see that. :)